My Achilles Heel

Now, for some reason, I felt inclined to write a post. I've been experiencing something like this for a few days now so I really felt that I needed to let it out. Plus, it's been a long time since I last posted in this blog so I think it's a nice time to give you guys an update. I'm writing this post while playing a few songs on repeat. So if you want to get in the "feels" with me through this post, please do listen to these songs.

Sangatsu no Phantasia - Hajimari no Sokudo

Sangatsu no Phantasia - Hana ni Yuukei

*unfortunately this song isn't available on Youtube as this comes bundle with that song up there ^ in a CD. So if you want to hear this song, please download/buy it! It's really worth it, I promise. One of my favorite songs from 3-gatsu no Phantasia.

Sangatsu no Phantasia - Fairy Tale

This one's a current favorite as well! ^

Okay.

I get it. I respect that. But please, remember that this is your decision so you might as well stick to it. Don't come to me crying and ranting about it over and over again. You BROUGHT upon this by yourself. It's okay to feel miserable but from the looks of it, it has been an endless loop over the same thing again and again. I'm wazzed off and I don't want to act like that in front of you since I know you're sensitive and it'll only make things worse. I'll be supporting your decision as long as it makes you happy and if it's what you want. I don't want you to be sad so please don't do things that'll only hurt you. Frankly, it'll, also, only make you look stupid.

So yeah, those were just my random thoughts on a Sunday night. I know it's useless but I had to let it out because I need to.

"Eien Loop (Forever Loop)" by Ami Wajima

Pain

I've been on this position before. I know that I've reached it again because, for once more in my life, I have felt so... me?

Experiencing the same thing all over again - it has become a temporary addition to the definition of my very being.

Temporary because I still cling on to hope: the hope that everything will change.

A question for us to ponder.

If you've sensed it after reading the first two lines of this post... this will be a rant about one of my many misfortunes in life.

I'll try my best to go through this rant as smooth, yet clear, as I can.

If you were to ask me what are the things I have and around me that make me as I am, the answer won't be definite and precise nor will it be complete if I do take the time to enumerate it all because I am more than just a string of sentences nor an essay paragraph. The definition of me is as big as the whole universe and my personality is as vast as the interstellar space outside our Solar System. Does that mean I'm bigger than the cosmic space outside this celestial body? Physically, no but my point is, I am more than what people seem.

 A short disclaimer though, I am not saying that the whole world revolves around me NOR it should around me.

I'm only saying that I am worth something, and that I do deserve the things that are deemed worthy for me to receive. Just like everyone of us, even YOU the person reading this, we are all worthy. We deserve the happiness we truly need to feel and that this happiness should always begin evoking from within you and not from others. And it's also that self-made happiness is what we should also bring upon to others whom we consider our trusty partners in life, whether it be our best friends or our loved ones.

I was never in a relationship, nor I think I'd ever have one soon though hihihi, which is one of the reasons why I treasure friendship a whole lot more.

I've met friends since pre-school through grade-school but never really got to be too close to anyone until I entered high-school where I came out of my shell and truly showed my whole being to people - I was happy.

For some reason though, my true colours didn't really tick a lot of people's boxes - I was categorized and placed in a box with the label "The Weird Ones". At first, I wasn't at all pleased at how people viewed me as that but as time goes on, my self-appreciation only grew larger and I totally accepted (and even agreed) to me being super weird (and eccentric lol).

I mean, after all, those are the types of people that really make the world much more interesting, doesn't it?

 And little by little, my friends who accepted me for who I am came to me one by one and from that day on, I made my own circle of friends filled with people who accept me as well as people I accept.

Be friends with anyone with a suitable space, anything too close and it will only turn everything on it's head

That is one of the lines that have lingered on to me ever since I got into a fight with one of the very people I call my closest friends - the perpetrator? Me. It was a really bad experience that I'd never want to experience once more. It made things pretty awkward with whoever that is so I knew that I'd never want to go through that again - simply put, it feels so bad.

But luck was, sarcastically, on my side and just a few months after, it happened again... and again, and again... and again. Basically, this happened for 8 times now, with different friends.

And the main underlying reason is because... I become too much of "me"?

For some reason, when I get too close to someone and I freely show the core essence of who I am, the joy and fun will climax until it reaches that point where everything suddenly turns bad.

Is it wrong to be me? Is there anyone out there willing to accept me even when I become too much of "me"? I don't know but I am willing to wait.

It's a repetitive phenomenon and it has become a normal thing for me.

This is one of the things that I have learned from one of my all-time favourite anime shows, Kiznaiver.

The closer you get with someone, the easier it gets for both parties to get hurt.

By the way, if you don't know Kiznaiver, you should check it out. It is one of those anime that hits close to home and I consider it one of the anime shows that is super special for me. It may not be the best but it is treasure-worthy (and I'm willing to defend it's status as that).

Thank you for reading this rant. I will all leave you with this final picture.

Have you found someone who'd truly accept you for who you are, deep in and out?

I Am Such a Sickly Person

Based on experience and observation, I believe that I get sick at least 5 times (minimum of 2) a year at scattered months ranging from upset stomachs to high fever. That's usually the case but I do get even worse conditions once in a while in a year. No matter how much I try to escape it with my precautionary measures such as cleaning and washing my hands before I eat, it always gets to me. Yes, it does hurt so much and can get quite irritating sometimes especially when these happens on special days such as school breaks like hello? I need my breaks you know.

But at the same time, I've grown quite used to living like this.

I'm not sure if this meme is using "sick" as a means to refer to the personality of a person or the sickness itself but it can mean both so why not just put it here? LOL

Because of this, I tend to learn how to act quickly and assess the situation if ever I get the feeling that I'll get sick within the next few days - I know how it works and I know how it starts because of experience.

Naturally, when it's school days, I now know which medicines to buy whenever I'm feeling something (and I buy them myself if I do have the money!) or I know which food products I can eat to quickly fix the problem in my body.

Being sick has it's benefits you know, you get to gain experience in how to assess the situation you are in so that you, yourself, know what to do when your body starts acting up a little weird in the future.

When I get a headache, I buy Ibuprofen. When I feel my body heating up, I buy Paracetamol. When my stomach starts to rumble, I prepare my Loperamide just in case or when I get a dry cough I buy Phlemex and a pack of throat lozenges.

Those are just some of the basics! Because of this, I know how to stop a situation before it even gets worse.
Knowledge on over-the-counter-medicines are also thanks to my mum, who is a retired nurse.

Honestly it was because of her that I always feel assured that I do not always need to go to the doctor, pay 500 pesos and have a checkup when I have a handy dandy nurse whenever I feel that something's wrong with my body.

Why am I talking about me being a sick person here in a post?

Well, I just want you guys to know that I'm going to start eating a cup of yogurt daily because last week I had some problems with my stomach, yet again. I'm gonna buy those with microorganisms because I wanna build an army of good bacteria to aid me to a happier stomach in the future.

Well that's all for this rant/post! Thanks for reading and I'll see you guys again, soon.

By the way, I'm planning on releasing one more video on my Youtube channel before classes start next week! Hopefully I won't procrastinate on it and work on it starting tomorrow!

You Know those Feels

So recently, I just watched a really beautiful anime show that I, unfortunately, won't be posting or writing about it anytime in the future in my anime blog. One of the reasons why I sadly won't be sharing this to anyone soon is because I'm experiencing a "this is my treasure" moment with this show.

You know those times when you find or discover a really good anime show and finished it and you find it really special for you and so you cry and cry thinking of how much this show has affected your emotional life and then you discover that this show is actually one of those "hidden" gems in the anime world or at least in that shows' specific genre/sub-genre and because of that you feel so compelled to not share it with anyone else and treat it as if it's your special treasure? That's what I feel when it comes to this show.

Ohh the feels.

So I'm sorry in advance if you got a bit curious on what this show really is, and in preparation to the inevitable moment that you'll start scouring my MyAnimeList account to find out what that show is, I'm afraid that you're out of luck as I haven't logged that anime in there.

This long rant will be about me talking about that really beautiful show.

I'm so thankful for this *secret* website that lead me to the discovery of this show. I was just casually scrolling around for stuff around this *secret* site and I found a post about a list of *secret* shows and then I was scanning that post as I was looking for stuff that I can probably add to my watch list. While scrolling through the list, my face was merely "meh" during the whole time because some of the titles there are stuff that I know and find to be not that interesting to watch it at that night but near the end of that article, this *secret* show appeared on the list and it was something I've never heard of before until now.

As I was reading the whole synopsis and genre and why I should watch this, that immediately grabbed my attention and I then proceeded to binge-watch that show immediately afterwards and so I watched 7 episodes of it straight without stopping. It was already 3 A.M in the morning and I still had no plans of sleeping - I mean I wasn't even sleepy because alot of emotions were whirling up inside me mixed with hype and tears. I cried a lot and I got goosebumps with this show, it was just outstanding. I fell in love with that show at that night... heck, I think I fell for this show while reading the article I said earlier BEFORE even watching this show. It was such a unique experience. It was like love at first sight.

And then my mum woke up at 3 AM and saw me and told me to go to sleep. I was having a hard time to sleep though because of these huge amount of feels I had to take with me to my bed. I told myself that the next time I watch it, it'll be at this time of the day again so that no one will ever disturb me while I watch this precious gem.

So the day after that, I didn't watch it because I couldn't find that "moment" of space I had when I first started watching this show. But the next day, I got that feeling again and so I finished that show in that night... and I cried.

I cried at the ending and I cried when the ED theme song played. I cried so hard and I was so happy that no one was there to watch me, that is, until my mum woke up (it was 1:00 in the morning during that time) and told me to go to sleep. I tried to cover my face full of tears but the last episode wasn't finished YET. She totally ruined that moment for me so I then decided to pause the video, turn the monitor off for a while and wait for her to finish her "early morning bathroom" duties before heading back to finish the show and "resume" my feels.

I actually almost slept but thankfully I woke up after a few minutes when she went inside her room again. I went back and finished the show.

So most of the time, when this situation happens, I don't cry anymore as the mood was already killed before but in this case, I totally cried once more and then I finished the show.

I was so sad because everything in the show went by so fast. I really wished it had more episodes to satisfy my need for more feels but I guess I can't do much about that eh?

And so I went to bed with that empty feeling inside me that says:

"What am I supposed to do now that it's over?"

And now I wish that someone could buy me that show's novel and manga, yep, both physical copies. I swear that I'd love that person so much whoever that is but I know it won't happen. I mean, the physical copies can only be bought in Japan since it is published in Japan.

So what now?

I'm currently downloading and reading a free fan translated ENG copy of that novel. I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm not really supporting that show but I do swear to you, my dear readers, that when the time comes that the novel or manga or DVD of that show becomes available here where I live or if I had the opportunity to go to Japan, I promise that I'll buy every single merchandise that show has.

Based from the post above, you can therefore conclude that I'm such a trash for this show right now.

I love it so much.

To my future boyfriend or girlfriend, you now know what to give me, mehehe.




Authors Note:

1. I'm so into Naruto Shippuden's latest opening at the moment and I feel so awesome after hearing it.